It’s not WHAT We Say So Much As HOW We Say It
Those of you who have followed my telephone names sourcing training for any length of time periodically hear me say, “It’s not WHAT you say so much as HOW you say it" on the phone is what gets you results. This simple concept goes way beyond telephone names sourcing. It’s a plain premise that represents one of the core competencies of successful living; how to get along with people.
We all talk about these “social” networks we inhabit daily. One of the definitions for the word “social” on the website Answers.com
is:“Spent in or marked by friendly relations or companionship/Intended for convivial activities”
There are a few other definitions as well on the site that mention the words “communal living, community, organization, allies, enjoy, sociable”.
It’s natural for a “family” to experience discord within it and our communities are no different. “All happy families are alike; they have dinner together and the children do the dishes; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way; it could be anything: drunkenness, sassy back-talk, refusal to clean up one’s room, tantrums, nose-picking, adultery, don’t ask.”
~ Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
, original manuscript
From time to time we witness exchanges between members here on the boards that are both painful and fascinating to watch. Painful to watch the angry eruptions and fascinating like watching a train wreck – it’s hard to look away.
Where does the anger, the vituperative outbursts, come from? Why the fastidious sniping, the attacks, the veiled innuendos – the glaring insult?
One online resource
lists two sources of anger: Internal and External
Internal Sources of Anger come from our irrational perceptions of reality and include four types of thinking that contribute to anger:
1. Emotional reasoning
2. Low frustration tolerance
3. Unreasonable expectations
External Sources of Anger include four general events within a negotiating situation that make us angry. They include:
1. The person makes personal attacks against us
2. The person attacks our ideas
3. The person threatens our needs
4. We get frustrated
The same article offers four factors that can lower our frustration tolerances:
1. Stress / Anxiety
3. Drugs / Alcohol
4. Recent irritations
Just yesterday, here on RB, Claudia Faust correctly noted that an original post
was a call for behavior modification
rather than an attempt to exert censorship
. Falling on deaf ears the excited participants immediately concluded the re-telling was all about them, ignoring the fact that the events described exactly demonstrated the problem as we experience it here in the networks - that intimidation
is a form of censorship; that sometimes HOW we say something is not conducive to encouraging discussion. Look at any afflicted string - what you'll see is that in MOST instances, discussion stops, withers, fades away after acrimonious comments just when it has the potential to explode into some real understanding!
Claudia also remarked, in her first comment, "So I'm with you: lets get juicy. As I used to say to my recruiting teams, there are always two parts to any story: the What, and the Why. NEVER be satisfied by just learning the What; the Why is ALWAYS more interesting, and defines your potential for impact."
This is an attempt to address the "Why" in Claudia's challenge. Nobody wants to exert control over what is being said – everyone is FREE to say what they want. What IS being suggested here is that we can all better our communication skills by learning (and using) diplomacy and by being very careful with our words and from whence they flow. There's a saying that it's best to make our words "sweet" because, after all, we never know when we might have to eat them!
Claudia, are these words juicy (and sweet) enough for you?
He was a religious writer and interested in the Master's views. "How does one discover God?" Said the Master sharply, "Through making the heart white with silent meditation, not making paper black with religious composition." And, turning to his scholarly disciples, he teasingly added, "Or making the air thick with learned conversation."
~ Anthony de Mello, SJ
Attend the MagicMethod Phone Sourcing All Day Seminar
in Miami, FL on September 4 at the Shane Center
sponsored by Confisa International Group
. Email firstname.lastname@example.org for registration form or call him at 513 899 9628. Seats are $325 and INCLUDE lunch AND a three month subscription to the seminal "Magic in the Method" telephone names sourcing course. Register early for a 10% discount!