Dear Claudia,

Here’s one for you. I work with a client I’ll call Joe, who interviewed one of my candidates recently; great feedback, but not quite the right fit so I closed her off. Fast forward to the other day, when Joe asks me to preview a candidate resume that was referred to him. No problem, I say – then I see that it is the same candidate he interviewed and turned down before. I remind him of their previous interview, but he doesn’t remember this woman at all; so I send him the email thread with her resume, and he looks back on his calendar - sure enough, there she is. We had a good laugh about it, but now I’m wondering if there’s more to this than meets the eye. Should I ask if he’s considered seeing a doctor about the memory lapse? We’re more professional acquaintances than friends, so I’m not exactly sure what’s appropriate. Sign me,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

This is an interesting situation, because no matter what you do you can't control the outcome. First I think it’s important to establish if the memory thing was a solitary incident, or if it's a trend. It’s normal to forget names or appointments occasionally, or even where you left the car keys (lucky for me on that one), and there are lots of things that can cause symptoms like that (stress is a likely suspect, but the medical list could range from harmless to quite serious).

The real question is, do you see evidence of a trend? I have a rule of thumb when it comes to concerning behavior: if it happens once, it could just be a bad day. Twice, maybe it’s a coincidence. But if something happens three times? That’s a trend, and worth understanding better.

If Joe isn’t trending at the moment, put a bookmark here; it may happen again, or it may not. But if you’re seeing a behavior that is consistent, or growing in intensity, your options are pretty clear: speak up, or mind your own business.

Speaking up means taking a risk, which is always easier with a little preparation in advance; it would suck to lose the relationship when your intentions are coming from such a good place. Ask yourself:

What do I want to say?
I’m a big fan of speaking your truth respectfully to others. Read carefully between the lines though; what’s the truth in this situation? That you’re concerned, obviously. That you’ve observed a behavior you can describe, and that you want him to know you care about him as a person. Anything more than that is probably best left unsaid until Joe jumps in – but script out the basics in advance, so you say what’s important and can focus on reading his cues during the conversation.

How do I want to say it?
You know your own communication style, but sensitive conversations are as much or more about the style of the other person. Is Joe a direct communicator? Is he private about his personal life, or does he blend it into his work life? How you deliver the message should anticipate and honor his preference for transparency.

When do I want to say it?
Pick your timing for the conversation. Choose a time of day when you know things are calmer in his world; if you’re calling on another business matter, get it out of the way and then ask if he has a few more minutes to speak about a personal matter.

The last thing I recommend is no matter how Joe responds don’t take it personally. This one is not at all about you, even if your concern does speak highly of your character. I'd be really curious to know how it all works out.

**

In my day job, I’m the Head of Products for Improved Experience, where we help employers use feedback to measure and manage competitive advantage in hiring and retention. Learn more about us here.

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