Removing the Wedge

When I was twenty-seven years old, my parents divorced. It was a difficult time, I thought my parents would always be together. But change happens, it is the one constant, right? And with that change came many others. I doubted myself and my own marriage. I questioned who I was and underneath it all, I found reasons to be unforgiving. I'm not saying it was a bad thing, for in actuality - like so much in life, it was a lesson. A lesson in reality, a step away from the shining castle, and a step toward understanding truth.

And though I was not a child, as an adult I should have been more sympathetic, I was not. The hurt inside usually overpowered any rational thought or action that might have led me through the healing process. I was able to eventually let go of the pain but it was a process that required me to consistently open my mind. Ultimately, my father's untimely death sealed my belief that rational thought, rational conversation, and respect is a must.

Just before my father died, he had been sick but we did not think his illness was fatal, I thought it was a chest cold that was left untreated for too long. My mother took my dad in, she gave him a place to live and cared for him while he was recovering. Forgiveness. My mom, along with my brother and sister that lived close by, helped my father find an apartment near them all and when he seemed well enough, they helped him move in. A week after he moved, he was gone. Timely? Yes. Too soon? Also yes.

Approaching life with a chip on one's shoulder or a constant cloud of indignation does not ease the pain of heart break or loss. In fact, it actually widens the wedge that divides. Learning to forgive is not an easy task. But what I have found is that, similar to smiling your way to happiness, wanting to forgive - saying you forgive, will eventually lead to that accomplishment. Acceptance of hurt and the desire to let it go are part of the process. There is, of course, a place for forgiveness. And not only in family relations or friendships, but in business, as well.

When you are invested in what you do or the people with whom you work, there is always the chance you will be hurt. Sometimes in business, the almighty dollar does come first and a company's best and brightest do not. Following my departure from a job and organization that I dearly loved, it was tempting to stay detached in my next assignment. A nine to five, easy-going position with no investment was certainly alluring. But in the end, my need to dive in and fully commit overpowered my need to self-protect. But it couldn't be done without forgiving the past and letting it go. Rational thought won. And in the end, so did I.

by rayannethorn

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tiger Patrick on November 9, 2010 at 4:38am

Ok, this one is my favorite.. timely and relevant to my little world.. seriously, I think I am learning more about me... reading you!

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Permalink Reply by Sandra McCartt on November 9, 2010 at 3:08pm

Love the new pic! Younger attitude, more fun, more personality. Good choice.

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Permalink Reply by ryan morphett on November 10, 2010 at 2:21am

Rayanne
That was great thanks.
I have learnt in life that one thing is for sure. You deal with it!!! no matter what life chucks at you, you deal with it.
I was asked the other day " what would you do if this happened to you" my answer as always is deal with it.
But after having 'lived' I say that forgiveness is the key as I just can't bring my self to waste time with anything else

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Permalink Reply by Peter Lanc on November 10, 2010 at 9:27pm

Thanks for sharing. Soulful. Thanks

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Permalink Reply by Anna Brekka on November 11, 2010 at 9:35am

Thank you - I think you hit on one of lives most important lessons - Forgiveness - nothing is as harder but when achieve nothing is more liberating. To truly forgive is the finest of human acts.
Keep going!

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Permalink Reply by Recruiting Animal on November 11, 2010 at 9:36am

Good article Rayanne.

However, I don't think that forgiveness --- and letting stuff go because it is irrelevant as a focus -- are the same thing.

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Permalink Reply by Gerry Crispin on November 11, 2010 at 9:51am

You've arrived at a place few can find and most fail to even seek. Enjoy. Nice hat!

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Permalink Reply by Heidi on November 11, 2010 at 11:59am

Wow Rayanne:

You just hit a cord in my soul.. Thanks for your honesty.
Heidi

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Permalink Reply by Recruiting Animal on November 11, 2010 at 12:23pm

Rayanne said: Than this does not apply to you, Animal and all is right in your world - You are very fortunate, congrats!
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Rayanne, you can't brush me off that easily.

I didn't say that getting over stuff does not apply to me. It applies to everyone.

However, I don't think forgiveness is necessarily the best way to think about it - because it's not a well-defined term.

Why would I be nice to someone who hurt me or simply did something I don't like?

Even business terms like solution focus vs problem focus are more clear.

Also, forgiveness carries with it the flavour of an imposed moral obligation. And I don't think there is one.

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Permalink Reply by Charlie Allenson on November 11, 2010 at 3:53pm

There's an Irish saying, "Hurt is a useless emotion. The only one it hurts it you." And this comes from a nice Jewish boy from the Bronx.

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Permalink Reply by Sandra McCartt on November 11, 2010 at 4:24pm

There's an old West Texas saying, "Gettin all twisted up about shit that happens to you, is kinda like the bull who was fed an onion, it won't kill him but ya better hope ta Gawd that he forgets it if ya ever have to mess with him again". Some folks and bulls just aint interested in forgiveness. So get over it, in the whole big scheme of things not much really makes a big difference and the sun will come up tomorrow. Maybe the bull liked the oinion then there ain't no problem.

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Permalink Reply by Recruiting Animal on November 11, 2010 at 6:31pm

> Rayanne said: I don't think I mentioned "being nice" once in my post.

You don't have to say it to describe it. Your family took care of your father after he did something they didn't like. I think that's nice. OK?

> Forgiveness is... letting go of the splinter that has been digging into you

"Dig out the splinter". All metaphor. Thats' my point. What you're doing is saying and presumably recognizing that: hey there's other things more important that being mad at this guy.