Actually, I won’t be returning your crappy cold call voice mail. Here’s why.

Fortunately I don’t get these very often… I’m one of a handful of recruiters and rather new to my company, so the vultures haven’t caught up with me yet. However – earlier this week I had FOUR horrible voicemails in a row, from FOUR awful sales people. Three agencies and a job board. It went a little something like this –

“Hi Amy, this is (first name only) with (unintelligible company name). I’m calling today to introduce you to my company. We are the (premier/best/top/only) provider of (IT/Staffing/Placement/Advertising) solutions in your area and I’d like to schedule a time to (buy you coffee/meet with you/tell you all about me).

Please give me a call back at (phone number)and let me know when would be a good time to meet. Thanks!”

Who would call this person back?

So much is wrong with this. First of all, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who your company is. I probably couldn’t write fast enough to jot down your phone number even if I wanted to call you back. (Sometimes I’m a masochist that way.)

Secondly, you have given me no indication that you even know who I am, what I want, or how you can solve my problem. Do you know what my problem is? Do you know if I even HAVE a problem?

So what do I WANT to hear?

“Hi Amy, it’s (First Name, Last Name) calling. I am a (Title, as long as it’s not a stupid one) with (Company Name). My phone number is _______. I (found you on LinkedIn/got your name from [Name]/read your amazing blog at RBC) and found out that your company (has over 100 current openings/will double revenue in the next 3 years/is the 3^rd largest IT reseller in the US). Very impressive! I’d like to talk with you about your recruiting efforts, what’s working and what’s not, and see if (my relevant product/service) might be able to boost what you’re already doing. If nothing else I’m prepared to bribe you with free (coffee/chair massage/babysitting). Again it’s (name) at (phone number). Have a great day!”

Ok, I’m kidding about the bribery part. Well, not really. See, it’s funny. I like funny people. If someone can’t laugh at themselves, they probably won’t be laughing along with me at this crazy business. So while that's not the greatest voicemail script ever concieved, it beats the pants of what I've been subjected to lately.

And if the call went like –

“Hi Amy, (name) with (company). Heard you lost your (job title) recently. Not sure if you’re the person trying to replace him, but I know a guy who’s in a similar role right now over at (your competitor). He’s not looking right now but I could sure put some feelers out for you. What do you think? Give me a call at (phone number)."

Now if I got THAT call, I would not believe you but I’d be intrigued enough (and admire your chutzpah) that I would probably call you back.

Comment by Jim Durbin on February 23, 2012 at 1:36pm: That's a great script Amy. One change. They should say, "This is" instead of "I am."

And they should repeat that phone number at the end.

So here's the tough question. How long do they need to butter you up on Twitter and RBC and other social channels before the call? You know what they do. They know you know. They need to get in front of you to close. Knowing that you are on social media - is it creepy to reference it, or would you prefer they find information and not mention they follow you on Twitter?

I bet that question is different for each person.

Comment by Amy Ala Miller on February 23, 2012 at 2:27pm: LOL Jim touche! :)

if only there was a standard formula - it would be much easier. I don't mind being twitter-stalked a little. The one I got today wants to recruit salespeople for us which is the ONE business group I don't support for my company. If he had a purchasing guy I probably would be more inclined to call back. If he'd look at my SM presence for even 5 minutes he could have crafted a better script. Reality is he compiled a list of 50 companies, got a contact name and phone number, and since my company starts with "Z" it was probably the 50th time he's given that speech today. Unfortunate.