The world of recruitment is like an infinite game of Guess Who? - you know, the old board game where you have to ask questions such as “do they have blue eyes?” or “are they wearing a hat?” to guess who your opponent has in their sights. Once you narrow down your choices you must pinpoint your target. Get it right, and you win the game!

The difference is, in recruitment the questions are “what is your greatest weakness?” or “what interested you in risk management jobs?”. Not quite as fun.

Not half as easy, either. Because what if the face behind that mystery card doesn’t actually exist. Or they appear to exist but they’ve lied about their credentials. Or they simply don’t turn up to an interview - nature of the beast. But, as they say, laughter is the best medicine and in this industry you definitely need a regular repeat prescription to avoid total insanity.

1. The hugely enthusiastic (but totally unsuitable) candidate

There’s always one. You know, the keen-bean that makes you feel like Simon Cowell turning down the X Factor applicant whose dog was murdered, house burned down… and all they want to do is pursue a career in music. They’re loveable, yearning little bunnies - only, you can’t do anything for them because they can do absolutely zilch for you, or your client.

2. Drowning under mountains of hopeless CVs

Does anyone actually read the adverts you put out there? For every golden resume, there’s a tonne of impractical applications. You’re looking to position an experienced operations manager coming from a 5 star hotel background, only to end up knee-high in the CVs of fresh graduates, freelance hairdressers and unemployed musicians. Perfect.

3. The impossible role to fill

Where’s our magic wand? We certainly need one, because some roles are simply impossible to occupy without conjuring the perfect candidate from scratch. Look at the vacancy list over at Barclay Simpson, for example. If there’s no-one suitable (or interested) in risk management jobs in that location, you (as a recruiter) cannot do a jot about it. Apart from cry uncontrollably, perhaps.

4. When a client offers an unsatisfactory salary

Great. We’re looking for a professional candidate to take on the same role as they’re in now, only, they’re getting paid less for it. Oh, and the client isn’t shifting their rate. It’s like trying to sell the latest tractor technology to a beauty technician - useless.

5. When a candidate disappears

Poof! One minute you’re onto a scorching winner: they’re massively keen on the role and everyone’s excited. Sure enough, the next time you contact them to follow up… they’re gone. No phone response, no answer on the email front; so that’s that. Deep breaths now, deep breaths.

6. When you think your work is done and are so, so, terribly mistaken

Even worse than an unresponsive candidate is the candidate that pulls out at the last minute. Even more terrible? The nightmares who actually go through with it all, up until the interview and then don’t turn up for your client. Not only does it make you look like a rubbish, unreliable recruitment agent, but your company will go down in the client’s estimation too… and there’s nothing you can do about it.

7. When you look up a candidate on social media and they’re an absolute trainwreck

Is social media a blessing or a curse? Gone are the days when you could simply read a CV and hire someone: 94% of recruiters now use social media for headhunting. While LinkedIn is the perfect place to pick up professionals, the rest of the internet is a whirlwind of human catastrophes. Type a candidate’s name into Facebook and you’re confronted with photos of the ‘hard-working, polite postgraduate’ smoking ominous ‘cigarettes’, drinking straight from a Jack Daniels bottle or tweeting something of totally inappropriate nature. On a scale of one to ten, you’re a no.

8. When it’s oh so obvious a candidate is lying

We weren’t trained to become human lie detectors, but boy did we become them. If someone really wants a job, they’re willing to put forward tall tales to land their foot in the door. They’ll tell you they went to Harvard if needs be, massively exaggerate the dates of past employment and even hide the fact they’ve got a criminal record. Oh, the joy.

9. When you have to tell your own little white ones

Let’s not place the blame wholly on the candidates. Recruiters, too, must tell the odd little white lie to gather the information we need - pretending you’re not a recruiting agent, for one. Well, how else are you going to find the contact details of the particular person you want to fill a role? Naughty, but necessary!

10. When a candidate wants you to call them at ridiculous hours

Nothing is more awkward than your current employer overhearing you on a phone call with a recruiting agent - we understand that. Still, expecting us to ring back at 10pm, or six o’clock in the morning? Get lost! My client can do without you; in fact anyone with that flimsy attitude doesn’t deserve a damn job.

Only kidding, we really need to find a candidate for this role so we’ll set our alarm around you (even though we’re not getting paid any more) and call you at the crack of dawn. Ah, the joys of recruitment.

Any more unavoidable recruitment nuisances you want to get off your chest? Feel free to share them!