This time of year is when I try and get the Outlook folders down to a managible size and put the pledge to the my documents. I came across this gem on my spring project and still brings a smile to my face

A Taxonomy of Recruiters By Thomas Munn

Harmful/Nusiance recruiter Species: Burgerflippingmajorus:

This particular creature can be recognized by its total lack of knowledge in both the technical material they are representing, the fact that they haven't read your resume, and their exceptionally brilliant conversation. They are fond of using "On a scale of 1 to 10, please rate yourself in each of the following areas." They can't read, since many of them will ask you to do jobs you have no experience in, even though you have sent them your resume. They are typically from 24-36 years of age, either studied: Physical Education, Sociology, English Lit, or Psychology, and are tired for working for $4.25/hr at McDonalds. Being a recruiter is what can be called the "later" pupal stage of this creature. Adult specimens are sometimes found on used car lots, trying to sell old Pintos.

SuperiousSnottius:

This vile and disgusting creature is perhaps one of the most feared and dreaded of all the Recruiter beasts. They are characterized by an appalingly smug and satisfied air. They sometimes read your resume, although you would never know, because they act like you don't have enough experience to be a slug. This particular specimen is noted by its behavior of trying to sound self-important, and eating while on the phone with prospective clients. Other behavious include: interrupting you to answer another call, putting you on hold for long periods with no explanation, and generally irritating smugness that stinks to high heaven. The adult stage of this monster is indeed the most frightening: The become little Godzillas when they are turned out on their ears because they scare all prospective candidates away.

ThrowThemToTheWolvesicidion:

This species of recruiter has one of the most insideous defense stratedgies of any of the Recruiter kingdom: It sends you out on hopeless quests, divulging no information about the client. They provide no job description, no tips, no heads up about the company that you are interviewing, and no directions to the site that you will be going to. They are noted for the large barrage of hopeless jobs that they will throw at you, in an effort to confuse you. They then progress to the final stage of their lifecycle, which is very similar to SuperiousSnottius for its characteristics.

CandyearSaurus:

A most unscrupulous breed of recruiter. They flatter you for all of your job skill, and talk for hours and hours about absolutely nothing. They make you feel "good" about yourself, while providing "Air" for a job. They are noted for their technological backwardsness, not even having e-mail, and pride themselves on ancient and worn-out technology. They will never dare contradict you, instead capitualting to your every whim. They are the fuzziest, nicest, and most useless of all the Recruiter order. Avoid them at all costs.

SuperProfessional Rex:

Noted for its exceptionally glossy exterior, the SuperProfessional Rex is noted for its seeming easy tone in conversation. Some of its other distinguishing features: A confidential tone, and an "insiders" view. They will tell you that they have a "big" company who is "really desperate" for some people. They will promise ridiculous salaries, and ridiculous benefits and not even snicker. They display limited reading capability, at least able to recite some of your more obvious skills. Once you hear from them the first time, they never call again. In this respect, the SuperProfessional Rex is one of the least annoying of the Recruiter order.

Stupidius Maximus:

The most distinguishing characteristic of this creature is its incessent babbling about nothing. It will never have your resume available, and will talk endlessly about nothing. It also employs a very effective defense tatic, that of the "survery to help us place you." This consists of forcing the stunning the prey by a series of mindless questions that answer absolutely nothing in the search for the job. Popular ranges that this specimen will use are from 1-4, 1-10 being the most common. It has terrible organizational skills, and is fond of dizzying its intended prey by the aeformentioned "survey." This creature is perhaps the least intelligent of all the recruiter order.

EffortisMaximus Vegetablaurus:

This rather pathetic kind of recruiter is the saddest of the whole recruiter order. They are typically very enthuiastic about finding you a job, but haven't a clue on what an enter key is, much less what a computer is. They typically have limited reading skills, which might be more likened to a monkey's or a parrot's understanding of technical issues, in that they mimic, without understanding what they see on the page. They try desperately to find you a job, but because they don't understand technical issues, it might be more scientific if they were using a dart board with possible career choices. Try to be nice to this species, as it is not their fault that they are created the way that they are. They don't have a malicious bone in their body, and for their innocent and pliable nature, they are to be commended.

Beneficial Recruiter Species: Unfortunately, there is only one species of recruiter that is beneficial.

DoRightius Selfsecondarius

This most unique species of recruiter is noted for the following characteristics, not at all evident in any other species of recruiter.

1. They have read your resume in its entirity 2. They understand your field of work
3. They screen you and try to get the best out of you
4. They selflessly go over your resume before submitting it to the client
5. Their formidible editing skills
6. Their selfless attitude in getting you a job
7. Their willingness to go to extra lengths to make your interview as pleasent as possible
8. Their sincere and honest desire to get you a job, while at the same time getting themselves some income
9. They provide written job descriptions
10. They almost make an interview unecessary, as they have done such a good job of communicating you to the client that they want you before they even talk to you.

Unfortunately, in this taxonomists's experience, this recruiter is currently only found in 1 out of 300 recruiter species. It is so rare that it must immediately be put on the endangered species list, and there must be some kind of a breeding plan to help this species increase in number. However, due to its slow reproductive cycle, this will be a difficult task. Most other recruiter species reproduce so quickly that they sometimes saturate the valuable ecosystem, making this recruiter's existance threatened. However, this species is highly adaptable, and usually manages to hold its own against the other non-beneficial recruiter species