There are no Nazis in this blog, nor does outer space enter into the diatribe. However, zombies are briefly touched upon. Had I titled this blog "Candidate Types and Methodologies of Communication" or something Recruity (that's a word), I would have been bored before I even started writing. So, now that I have your attention, let us begin.

 

After you’ve been a Recruiter for fourscore and seven years, you’ve probably spoken to tens of thousands of candidates.  And each one seems to be a unique snowflake, unlike any other sentient being that walks, crawls, swims, or flies upon the face of the earth (or in the sky or water or whatever).

But, this is merely an illusion, and each one can be pigeon-holed into several categories. Each category requires different handling methodologies.

*WARNING* For metrics geeks, there shall be no tables, spreadsheets, data, or anything of that nature. So perhaps you’d be better off reading multiplication tables or playing Sudoku.

1.) The Champion – This person is the perfect candidate. They fit the job description to a T, can execute all the deliverables, fit the corporate culture, and fill the job that’s aged like a fine cheese. Inevitably, this person will not be chosen by the Hiring Manager. You will never know why the Hiring Manager did not choose this candidate. Perhaps it is the candidate’s aura, sun sign, or a dream the Hiring Manager had the night before about snakes and tunnels. You will then lose this candidate to a competitor, and two days later the Hiring Manager will change their mind and want to hire them.

2.) The Stalker – This candidate can be sensed by the strong smell of desperation that wafts around them like a fog. They will call, email, and perhaps even drop by at least ten times a day. You will begin to find their resume in your car, your desk, or perhaps slipped under the bathroom stall while you are trying to read. They are relentless, and feast upon the flesh of the living. Wait, that’s zombies. Strike that. The only way to dissuade the Stalker is to destroy the brain or remove the head.  That’s also the cure for zombies, so you see why I was confused about the flesh eating thing.

3.) The Spock – Usually this candidate is an Engineer or an IT professional. Conversational skills and a sense of humor are frightening and alien to this candidate.   However, mention something in their area of expertise and they will wax loquacious using technical jargon that is only spoken by tribes living deep in the Amazon who have never seen another person naked. One must firmly stop this person in their tracks by asking what they think about Jar-Jar Binks. This will stun, and sometimes enrage the candidate, but will give you time to quickly get off the phone and have a smoke.

4.) The Brick – As in thick as a…This candidate is suffering from a closed head injury and will not understand anything you say. They are usually not qualified for the position, but will ask endless questions about benefits and compensation. They use the phrase, “I’m a fast learner” frequently during the course of your conversation. No matter how many times you tell them they’re not qualified, they will continue to tell you their life story until you start to wish you had succumbed to auto erotic asphyxiation a’ la David “Kung-Fu” Carradine instead of coming to the office. BEWARE: This candidate can rapidly morph into The Stalker.

And finally, because my carpal tunnel syndrome is kicking in:

5.) The Flake – The Recruiter’s favorite flavor. This person will fit the needs of the Hiring Manager. The process will flow smoothly, and you will begin to dream of the new dark blue Jaguar with the black leather interior you will purchase with your commission. An offer will be made, and the candidate will accept. Then the day before they start, they will call to tell you they’ve changed their mind, or will want to haggle about compensation that they’ve already agreed to accept. The expert Flake will wait until their first day of work and simply not show up. Only the finest Flakes can pull off this kind of Recruiter screwing.

And then there’s the ones that just get hired and work out fine, but really, who wants to read about that?

 

Views: 286

Comment by Sandra McCartt on January 27, 2012 at 11:48am
I have no idea who you are, but this is one of the funniest, well written lists of the joys of working with candidates I have ever read. Saving for my files I will credit the pissed off monkey.
Comment by Phil McCraken on January 27, 2012 at 12:00pm

Thank you. And if you click "Like", it will restore my faith in the human race. Not really, but it will make an old monkey vacillate furiously

Comment by Amy Ala Miller on January 27, 2012 at 12:51pm

Fresh off conversations with three of these, this blog is the best thing I could have found this morning. :) Thank you, angry monkey for making my day!

Comment by Andrew Hanneman on January 27, 2012 at 2:05pm

Very true, love it

 

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