Including recommendation letters into job applications can be a sticky process. If the chosen recommender fails to mention key attributes the candidate would like highlighted, the opportunity to impress the hiring manger may be drastically reduced. On the reverse side, a recommender may very well send an overly enthusiastic account of the candidate which reads more like a cheesy sales pitch than anything else.

Luckily, LinkedIn Influencer and late-night talk show host, Conan O’Brien, has come to the rescue with his very own recommendation letter template. According to O’Brien, “All you need to succeed in today’s competitive job market is a letter of recommendation from a politician or celebrity. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Below, in all its glory, is the letter O’Brien believes will secure you that coveted new job.

Dear Madam or Mister, 

My name is Conan O’Brien, a respected public figure and LinkedIn Influencer. I am pleased to recommend (Amy/Bill/Marco) for the position of (manager/senator). I’ve had the pleasure of working with (him/her) for over 60 years. (His/her) multitude of abilities are evident through exceptional (leadership/sheer blouses) and a refined (personality/pill connection). Not to mention (he/she) is one of the most (industrious/anti-union) employees I’ve ever encountered. If (Amy/Bill/Marco) has a weakness, it’s that (he/she) is TOO (diligent/serotonin deficient). 

The first thing you’ll notice about (Amy/Bill/Marco) is a prominent (neck tattoo/well-connected father). But, with such a (passive/aggressive) outlook, you’d never know that (he/she) comes from (political/orphanage) royalty. (He/she) is loyal to a (fault/vengeful god). (Teamwork/Naming names) is always at the core of everything (he/she) does. Plus, you won’t find someone better at (connecting/sleeping) with customers than (him/her). I’ve got the (sales figures/tears) to prove it!

Of course, you’ll also be relieved to know that we never proved (Amy/Bill/Marco) was responsible for setting the fire that destroyed our headquarters (two/three) years ago. You may have (heard/read) about the ensuing trial and (appeal/settlement). The flammable residue discovered in the (clothes/trunk) of (Amy/Bill/Marco) was found to be inadmissible due to a (technicality/bomb threat). Personally, I think it would be a (shame/mistake) to hold such a small (incident/episode) against someone for longer than (necessary/30 days).

Once again, with (his/her) relentless motivation and knowledge of (Windows 95/carburetors), I believe (Amy/Bill/Marco) would make an excellent addition to your (company/embassy). If you have any questions, please do not contact me, as I take my privacy as a public figure very seriously.

(Sincerely/Namaste),

[Forged signature goes here]

Conan O’Brien

P.S. – Please do not sell this letter on eBay.

With such a flair for job advice, it’s no wonder Mr. O’Brien earned that  “Influencer” title.