I waited patiently at the deli for my to-go order to be prepared. It was worth the wait. Champagne's Deli in Newport Beach is incredible and they live up to their name. Excellent, pricey food, again worth it. The pulled pork and tri-tip took longer than I had anticipated, so I took a lean against a half-wall and read a magazine displayed nearby. While I leaned, an interesting conversation developed behind me.

A father and his young son sat quietly enjoying a boys' night out until dad asked the question. "Why did you hit your sister?" The seven-year old answered in a long, convoluted way that she wouldn't let him play his Wii. She had turned off the game while he was playing and she had started watching TV. Apparently, this angered the young man, so much so that he threw the wireless controller against the "nice doors" and then, struck his sister.

Dad very calmly discussed why the boy's reaction was not such a good idea, why it was unacceptable. He asked his son how he might have handled it differently. The boy just shrugged and said, "That was the only way, she wouldn't listen to me." Dad strongly but gently disagreed and asked, "Are you sure there was no other way?" The boy said yes, almost defiantly. Dad took an even gentler tone and went on, "Then I suppose the only thing to do is to say no more Wii, as a matter of fact, no more video games." I turned around at this point, I have a 13 year old that LOVES video games and I was eager to see this young man's reaction. His head dropped and I could tell he had lost his appetite. His dad went on, "If that is the only reaction you can think of, than you cannot play video games because that reaction is unacceptable and is not allowed in our home. Not only did you throw something and damage our family's beautiful doors but you hit your sister. Hitting anyone is wrong, but hitting a girl, your sister is not to happen, ever."

I smiled at this all too familiar speech. My son was often reminded of this fact. The boy apologized but the dad was adamant that unless his son could come up with an alternate response, the punishment would remain. Pride starts at an early age. They ate on in silence. I heard a fork drop on a plate and a very quiet voice say, "I shouldn't have thrown anything, I shouldn't have hit her. I should have come to get you when she wouldn't listen. I was mad." Dad was silent and lovingly told his son, "That's right."

My order was ready at that point, taking my bags I turned toward the door and smiled at the conversation that was handled with not only love and understanding but also strength and power. I have seen parents smack their children while they tell them not to hit. I have seen parents ignore their children or yell incessantly as they drag them through a parking lot.

Managing children through conflict is not easy. Neither is managing a team or even dealing with a split partner that refuses to recognize a pre-set agreement. Saying no to certain behavior that you, yourself, exhibit is not going to work. We lead and manage by example, by strength and confidence. The iron fist or microscope fail as leadership tools. They may be required in management, but not leadership. Talk the talk and walk the walk. It is the better way.

by rayannethorn

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