Actually, I won’t be returning your crappy cold call voice mail. Here’s why.

Fortunately I don’t get these very often… I’m one of a handful of recruiters and rather new to my company, so the vultures haven’t caught up with me yet. However – earlier this week I had FOUR horrible voicemails in a row, from FOUR awful sales people. Three agencies and a job board. It went a little something like this –

“Hi Amy, this is (first name only) with (unintelligible company name). I’m calling today to introduce you to my company. We are the (premier/best/top/only) provider of (IT/Staffing/Placement/Advertising) solutions in your area and I’d like to schedule a time to (buy you coffee/meet with you/tell you all about me).

Please give me a call back at (phone number)and let me know when would be a good time to meet. Thanks!”

Who would call this person back?

So much is wrong with this. First of all, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who your company is. I probably couldn’t write fast enough to jot down your phone number even if I wanted to call you back. (Sometimes I’m a masochist that way.)

Secondly, you have given me no indication that you even know who I am, what I want, or how you can solve my problem. Do you know what my problem is? Do you know if I even HAVE a problem?

So what do I WANT to hear?

“Hi Amy, it’s (First Name, Last Name) calling. I am a (Title, as long as it’s not a stupid one) with (Company Name). My phone number is _______. I (found you on LinkedIn/got your name from [Name]/read your amazing blog at RBC) and found out that your company (has over 100 current openings/will double revenue in the next 3 years/is the 3^rd largest IT reseller in the US). Very impressive! I’d like to talk with you about your recruiting efforts, what’s working and what’s not, and see if (my relevant product/service) might be able to boost what you’re already doing. If nothing else I’m prepared to bribe you with free (coffee/chair massage/babysitting). Again it’s (name) at (phone number). Have a great day!”

Ok, I’m kidding about the bribery part. Well, not really. See, it’s funny. I like funny people. If someone can’t laugh at themselves, they probably won’t be laughing along with me at this crazy business. So while that's not the greatest voicemail script ever concieved, it beats the pants of what I've been subjected to lately.

And if the call went like –

“Hi Amy, (name) with (company). Heard you lost your (job title) recently. Not sure if you’re the person trying to replace him, but I know a guy who’s in a similar role right now over at (your competitor). He’s not looking right now but I could sure put some feelers out for you. What do you think? Give me a call at (phone number)."

Now if I got THAT call, I would not believe you but I’d be intrigued enough (and admire your chutzpah) that I would probably call you back.

Comment by Bob Petersen on August 25, 2011 at 10:49am: Great blog. I especially love the "I see you have an opening for a [job title] and I just happen to have talked to someone last week that saw the posting and will more than fit that position." Well, when the position is 1 day old, I don't know you, and you have no idea what type of person would fit with that opening you will never get a call back from me ever.

Comment by Helen Burbank (Appleby) on August 25, 2011 at 11:45am: Thanks Amy. I am definitely going to build this in to my cold calling etiquitte along with all of the helpful comments. I am always torn between the short and sweet and leaving enough information so that people really understand the purpose of the call.

Comment by Amy Ala Miller on August 25, 2011 at 12:50pm: @Bob - especially when so many job descriptions have absolutely nothing to do with the actual job duties... :)

Comment by Margaret Ryan on August 25, 2011 at 2:21pm: authenticity is key....... how you set up a relationship/ collaboration speaks volumes about you. Little issue up front - major drama down the road........

Comment by Ken Forrester on August 29, 2011 at 9:33am: Amy, this is truly an entertaining and informative blog post. The fact that you responded to every comment is proof that do are a professional and your thoughts and recommendations should be taken seriously . However, after reading all comments, I still believe that it is the messenger more that the message that is the issue.

Either you have a need for agency assistance or you don't. The quality of the VM means very little when no need exist. But if you had an open position that was costing real dollars everyday that position remained open, a very limited candidate pool and a hiring manager breathing down your neck-would you return a crappy cold call voice mail?

Comment by Amy Ala Miller on August 29, 2011 at 10:11am: @Ken - thanks for the kind words. But the answer is still no. :) If we did have a position that required agency intervention I have an handful of recruiters I would call on... ones I've either worked with in the past or even one of the few I like that have approached me since going internal.

I'm sure there are really good recruiters, who due to bad management or crappy metrics, are forced to make these ridiculous calls day in/day out. I may meet that same "messenger" at a networking event or through some other way and find them to be a great partner. I wouldn't hold that crappy voicemail against them. :)

Comment by Jeremy Spring on August 30, 2011 at 1:46pm: Phones? Who uses phones anymore?

Comment by Sandra McCartt on August 30, 2011 at 1:57pm: @Jeremy, if someone is not using the phone they either are not a recruiter or they won't be very long.

Comment by Jeremy Spring on August 30, 2011 at 2:16pm: Yeah, just being facetious.

Comment by Jeremy Spring on August 30, 2011 at 2:25pm: @Sandra, I'm boycotting the use of emoticons. A semi-colon/closing parenthesis would've helped to better convey my desired tone.

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