One of my friends found this Curriculum Vitae in a passive search. Just take a break and read this one!

Enjoy!!!
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Now look. I don't know what it is about recruitment agents that makes them unable to understand the phrase "I am no longer seeking work", so I have removed my CV from my website in a desperate attempt to get them to stop 'phoning me.
If you are an agent, then please:


Don't call me. I am no longer seeking work. Yes, I am happy where I am. No, I don't want to say where that is, because they don't want to get calls either. No, I don't want to hear from you in six months. No, I don't care if your job pays 100 quid an hour and is two minutes' walk from my house. No, I am not willing to relocate (you'd me amazed at the number of agents that call me with jobs in Amsterdam, Germany, Bolivia etc). If I ever need to look for a job again, I will come to you. I know who you are. How could I forget?

Don't call my girlfriend. She will tell you the same as above, and is much more likely to know what I want than you are (despite some agents believing the contrary). She has told me of a few agents who have been extremely rude and patronising to her in an attempt to get hold of me (one in particular, a woman with a Scottish accent, didn't leave her number, but you know who you are).
She will not give out my work number. If I find out that a particular agent has been giving her a hard time, I will make it my mission in life to ensure that everyone I know in the industry, including the agent's entire chain of management, knows of their incompetance.


Don't e-mail me. I get enough junk as it is without having to reply to and delete your misdirected job adverts. Sometimes I don't know why I bother replying, because so many agents ignore my request for jobs only in my area that I feel I should ignore them in return. Call me childish, but I find it satisfying in some small way to irritate an agent who has previously called me and said "Hi Ian, I know you live in Scotland, but would you like to work in London? I thought I'd call and give you the opportunity to say 'no'".

If you really, really, really want to call me, then call my mobile. I never pick up the messages, but perhaps that will get it out of your system.