Lesson 1 – Don’t die

This one’s a piece of piss. Somewhere close to 99.9% of us will wake up tomorrow, so the stats back-up how easy this one is.

Lesson 2 – Become famous

When people you’ve never met die and you can’t go anywhere without someone mentioning it, that normally means they’re famous.

So there’s lesson number 2 in your quest for self-improvement – become famous.

Lesson 3 – Famous dead people are a great source for blogs

Famous people dying can be great for your personal brand.

Write something that’s a collection of what lots of other people have said about that person over the past 20 years and arrange it in a way that offers hope and inspiration to lots of lonely, pot-noodle eaters.

Remember, lonely pot-noodle eaters are a lucrative demographic for any form of self-improvement, be it self-esteem issues, building a recurring, residual income on the Internet while you sleep, or weight loss.

One word of caution; the blog needs to written within 4 days of the dead person’s death. Play it safe by getting blogs about dead people already prepared before they die.

Keith Richards and the Pope are always good bets.

Lesson 4 – All dead people were once good people

Dead people were all once good people who did good things in their life – especially famous dead people. Even Hitler was good to his mother.

Only write nice things about these famous dead people, because there’s no better time to say nice things about them than when they’re dead.

Well, except when they were alive, obviously.

But that’s not always possible when you’re shouting “You were much funnier when you were on coke!!” at Robin Williams whenever he comes on the telly, or wondering why Joan Rivers always wears a full facial Phantom Of The Opera mask.

Lesson 5 – Death sells

Ignore the haters.

Some people will accuse you of trying to advertise your business on the side of the funeral cortege. These people just don’t get it and fail to see the click-bait opportunities that piggybacking a celebrity death can bring.

When people call you a douchebag, just look at your page view numbers for consolation.